I AM SORRY MY BEST FRIEND

I was wrong. All this time I have thought that being overly emotional and angry is good. Yeah, it is good but, transgression is not good. I keep telling people that do not transgress while I never implemented it, subconsciously. Without realizing it. I was sad with my only best friend on the eleventh of April Saturday evening on a joke. While I was sad I posted this article ‘Getting Angry Is a Part of Life’ and thought that it is very good to feel this way because it keeps the human inside us alive. Everything is right, but I transgressed. I took that mere joke so seriously that I didn’t talk to my best friend properly after that. My best friend kept sending me messages after seeing my posts on social media to talk and tell what my best friend did wrong but I never told my best friend about it. I was very hurt from inside on that thing. But I was telling myself that I will stay sad a maximum of three days because our Prophet Muhammad has asked us to not stay sad with someone for more than three days. My hurt was so intense that I felt I will exceed three days. And I am guilty of thinking such a thing. Pardon me Ya Allah, please forgive me. But I felt like talking even before two days have passed. On Sunday night. On Monday night too but when I thought of that message it made me sad and angry each time. On the fourteenth of April Tuesday noon, I felt really bad. I texted my best friend and asked if my best friend is okay and is not upset with me. I had talked with my best friend a Lil bit in these three days i.e. my best friend was asking me to tell what made me sad. So, I felt bad and texted my best friend. We talked and then I told my best friend about everything that made me sad. I promised my best friend once and send her a movie clip from the film ‘Ajab Prem Ki Ghazab Kahani’ a scene when Prem says to Jennifer that he’ll always be her friend with no complaints and demands. I promised my best friend that I would be the same. Not synthetically. I promised it by all my heart. That is why I was not complaining. When I did complain I felt really bad when my best friend told me that she never meant what I have derived the meaning from that message. I knew it already. And when she said these words, ‘Yaar, mein to apnay ap ko bhool kay tumharay saath baat karti hoon.’ English: ‘Dude, I forget about myself and talks to you.’ I was just. I can’t describe it. I am even crying right now a Lil bit. It’s 7:47 PM and I have wiped my tears a few seconds ago. I feel like crying genuinely. Not that forcing my self to cry because I want to cry. The tone of my best friend in which she said those words, I felt shattered and guilty. And when my best friend said that You don’t know how it feels to keep begging to know what one has done wrong, all night, all day. two to three days 🥺. I can relate to it. I know the hurt it carries. Forgive me my best friend 🥺. I am very guilty that I was thinking that my best friend should know what my best friend did wrong and I would not tell. My best friend has always been so good to me and what I gave my best friend in return! Now I am not writing this to produce soft corners in my best friend’s heart when I will show her this. But I want to tell my best friend how I felt. This transgressed anger and transgressed sensitive and emotional nature I adored a day before I dislike today. My best friend was someone who actually cared for me. Loved me. Genuinely. Now, I know that what I had done cannot be rewind. But What has to happen, happens. Not that I blame Allah for everything; Like typically we do after doing anything and say ‘It’s Allah’s will.’ This is not completely right neither completely wrong. This means that nothing can be done without the consent of Allah but I had made a mistake, in fact, a sin.

If it wasn’t my best friend and it was someone else, I would not have felt this much pain and guilt of hurting that person. I would feel bad and hurt but not this much, because why? Because my best friend always loved me and considered me the world. My best friend means the world to me too. I swear by Allah.

In 2013, when I joined Facebook, I added a class fellow there and he was so dearer to me. He uploaded a photo of him there and I commented down on that picture: ‘Lag raha hai Jail se chhoot k aya hai ( It seems like you just broke the jail and come here)’ A comment like this.

When I was doing this, I never even have this thought in my mind, that, he would ever feel offensive over it. I said that out of affection. I thought that it would make us both friends. But he found it rude. He asked me to not pass any comment like that again, but I didn’t listen and abused. He abused me too then. I thought that I was doing this out of adoration, why you misinterpreted it. Then, in school, when he complained about me to a teacher, I felt weird. Sad. When he said to the teacher that I have abused him, I was not even relating to what he is talking about. I said to the teacher that he abused me I didn’t. But later on, I realized that I had abused him too. I didn’t realize it early because I never thought about those comments and abuses as bad. It was according to me at that time, a friendly gesture. It would have been alright if he was already my friend but I did this to an acquaintance, thinking of him as my friend. I did wrong at that time thinking that I was doing right. I did wrong because he wasn’t my friend and I should not have said that to him and now after seven years when my best friend said a thing out of love that wasn’t even offensive like what I have said to that person, I hurt my best friend. 

I reflected upon my past when I used to send tons of messages to people I cared about and like them and loved a few too. The cold response I had received from them, the no-reply thing I got in return had made my heart ached so badly and I did the same with my best friend. I know sorry cannot bring what we have lost, but you know, I am guilty. Its 8:01 and I again wiped my tears. I am not telling this tears wiping thing as a blarneying. Allah knows. I am just telling how I feel right now. If the word clingy had a face, it would be me. If you ever met those people whom I have messaged and begged to talk to me and reply to me(both boys and girls) they will tell you how much clingy I was. Because my best friend thinks that she is clingy, I am telling this to my best friend that she might be, but not more than me. Maybe! I am not boasting but I acted clingy because I cared for and cherished those people. I am neither complaining. The same is my best friend as she had told me that she cared. My best friend, as you are reading this I am telling you, I am still your friend like I promised—No complaints No Demands. Maybe I am not that same Ahmed according to you now, the Ahmed you met ninety-five days back(appropriately), as we met on 10th January 2020 🙁 Maybe I am wrong. I will tell you the exact days after two-three days I promise. (I posted this on 14th April and on 16th April I am adding this here: It’s been one hundred and two days or one hundred and one days since I met my best friend.) So, maybe that Ahmed you met 95 days back was different and had a different image of him in your mind as he has now. Maybe this is just my assumption, and I don’t want to hurt you by assuming things of what you think. Maybe you are not thinking like this 🙁 I know it hurts you and you had said to me once that I don’t know about you since even three months have passed. I am sorry, my best friend. I am not assuming things about you negatively. I love you so much and I will always do. It’s 8:16 PM and one of my favorite Azaan’s voices is touching my ears that is I am hearing it. Masha’Allah thanks to Allah that he made that person recite Azaan at this moment.

P.S. If anyone reads this and thinks that all this has happened because of the movies we watch and dwells in their fantasies, then I must tell that it’s not like that. This is not a fantasy, a fairy-tale, or an unrealistic temporary sweet emotion. It’s not like that that when we will read this at the age of forty or fifty we will consider it as a childish approach. Not because of the egoistic approach that we won’t call it bad even if it is, but because it ain’t. And why it ain’t? Ask yourself.

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